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Post by mike on Mar 13, 2014 9:59:37 GMT -6
A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.
"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."
"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"
"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."
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Post by PARKER on Mar 16, 2014 19:25:03 GMT -6
Early one morning, an elderly retired fighter pilot yelled to His wife... "Honey! Come see what I created...! It's an abstract panorama depicting The five years of the Obama presidency!" She yelled back, "Flush the toilet and come eat your breakfast."
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Post by mike on Mar 21, 2014 11:59:24 GMT -6
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50%-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure. The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them. "The room fell silent. God Bless the enlisted man!
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Post by 06blackmax on Mar 21, 2014 21:34:57 GMT -6
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Post by mike on Mar 29, 2014 13:14:20 GMT -6
This is for all you Northerners up there in Canada from your Mississippi Friends's  Here's S'more Advice For All The Southbound Folks! If you are planning on visiting or moving to the South, (whatever state) there are a few handy things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles. For instance: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel- drive pickup truck and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store. Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya? Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. We can't understand you either. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy." Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here. If you hear someone exclaim, "Hey, ya'll, watch this!" stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, GET TO THE NEAREST GROCERY STORE IMMEDIATELY! It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there. When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle. Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns and are proficient marksmen. Or that their mammas taught them how to aim. In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush, green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway. Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day, so let them cook something they know. Don't laugh at people's names. Norma Jean, Tammy Sue, Betty Lou, Mari Beth, and Inez have all been known to WHOOP A MAN'S BUTT for much less than that. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda; this can lead to a butt kickin'! Down South, it's called Coke, even if it says Pepsi. (this is mostly the old timers) Don't show allegiances to any college football squad that isn't an SEC team. Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. Most of us are extremely literate. (e.g., Welty, Williams, William Faulkner. We've also got plenty of business sense (e.g.,Turner Broadcasting, MCI/WorldCom, MTV, Netscape & etc..). Naturally, we can have lapses of judgment from time to time such as (e.g., Clinton, Fordice, Duke). And if we can't sang (sing).. can't NOBODY sang! We don't care if you think we're dumb; we know better! We are fully aware that the humidity is high. Quit your griping, and spend your money! Don't order wheat toast at the Cracker Barrel. If you do this, everyone will know you're from Michigan. Eat the biscuits like God intended, and for God's sake, don't put sugar in your grits. Don't attempt to fake a Southern accent. Nothing will incite a riot faster. Don't go around talking about how much better it is back home. If you don't like it here, take your butt back home. We know how to speak proper English; we talk this way because we want to and we can. It's like playing jazz; you have to know how to do it right first. Last, but by no means, least, DO NOT try to tell us how to BB-Q. You're mighty privileged to even be down here in the first place. Have a nice day and y'all come back now, ya hear? (This is all in good fun) Mississippi and Friends |
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Post by 06blackmax on Mar 29, 2014 19:59:21 GMT -6
That's prolly the best one yet!
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Post by mike on Apr 2, 2014 15:14:20 GMT -6
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?" His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
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Post by mike on Apr 7, 2014 11:11:47 GMT -6
A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything-under-one-roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager says "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Missouri."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow, I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down, "How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says "one."
The boss says, "Just one?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day!
How much was the sale for?
The kid says " $101,237.64"
The boss says, "$101,23764? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SELL?"
Kid says, " First I sold him a small fish hook, then I sold him a medium fish hook, then I sold him a larger fish hook, then I sold him a new fishing rod, then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, " A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT AND A TRUCK??"
The kid says, " No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing !!
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Post by BEN on Apr 7, 2014 12:02:47 GMT -6
A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything-under-one-roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Missouri." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow, I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down, "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says "one." The boss says, "Just one?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for? The kid says " $101,237.64" The boss says, "$101,23764? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SELL?" Kid says, " First I sold him a small fish hook, then I sold him a medium fish hook, then I sold him a larger fish hook, then I sold him a new fishing rod, then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said, " A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT AND A TRUCK??" The kid says, " No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing !! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA |
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Post by 06blackmax on Apr 7, 2014 16:55:58 GMT -6
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Post by MooSe on Apr 8, 2014 6:10:55 GMT -6
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!" LMFAO! thats funny as hell. |
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Post by N2DEEP on Apr 9, 2014 23:20:24 GMT -6
If a guy with a foot fetish cheats on his wife, does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?
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Post by Yayger on Apr 11, 2014 7:32:54 GMT -6
A boy asks his dad "why do they say gardeners have green thumbs when their thumbs are not green?"
The dad replies "it's just a saying son. It's like when somebody is caught stealing, they say they have been caught "red handed" even though their hands are actually black"
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Post by Somebody on Apr 11, 2014 10:45:09 GMT -6
Bad yayger... bad bad yayger!! Go to your room! Lol
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Post by BEN on Apr 11, 2014 10:53:26 GMT -6
Bad yayger... bad bad yayger!! Go to your room! Lol HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA |
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Just remember...we give them back in 10 months 
It's alive!! 
