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Post by 06blackmax on Jan 5, 2014 21:10:30 GMT -6
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Post by mike on Feb 13, 2014 21:31:43 GMT -6
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
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Post by 06blackmax on Feb 13, 2014 21:52:11 GMT -6
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Post by mpdxtreme on Feb 13, 2014 21:52:33 GMT -6
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
…….and then the fight started
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Post by mpdxtreme on Feb 13, 2014 21:53:01 GMT -6
If you pull the wings off a fly, does it become a WALK???
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Post by 06blackmax on Feb 13, 2014 22:02:00 GMT -6
A husband and wife were on vacation in Jerusalem when the wife unexpectedly died. The undertaker told the husband "Sir you can have a nice service here for $150 or for $5000 I can ship her back to America". The husband thought for a minuet and said " ship her home!" The undertaker asked the man " why ship her home when she can be buried here in the Holy Land for only $150?" The husband explained "Along time ago a man died and was buried here and he arose three days later. I just don't want to take that chance!"
Enjoy!
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Post by mpdxtreme on Feb 13, 2014 22:04:05 GMT -6
A husband and wife were on vacation in Jerusalem when the wife unexpectedly died. The undertaker told the husband "Sir you can have a nice service here for $150 or for $5000 I can ship her back to America". The husband thought for a minuet and said " ship her home!" The undertaker asked the man " why ship her home when she can be buried here in the Holy Land for only $150?" The husband explained "Along time ago a man died and was buried here and he arose three days later. I just don't want to take that chance!" Enjoy!
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Post by mike on Feb 18, 2014 18:43:13 GMT -6
Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!"
The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
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Post by mike on Feb 19, 2014 16:34:13 GMT -6
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
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Post by mike on Feb 26, 2014 19:37:46 GMT -6
There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
"Aha!" said the doctor again, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
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Post by BEN on Feb 26, 2014 21:26:32 GMT -6
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
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Post by 06blackmax on Feb 26, 2014 22:43:15 GMT -6
Ha wow! Didn't see that coming!
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Post by 06blackmax on Feb 26, 2014 22:57:29 GMT -6
Two women went on a girls night out. They went drinking and stayed out late. While they were walking home from the club they both had to pee. None of the businesses were open and the only place they could find was the local cemetary. Not being able to hold it any longer they decided to go into the cemetary and pee. Afterwards needing to wipe, neither one had any tissue so one used her panties. The other didn't want to use hers so she reached around and found some greenery and used that. The next morning the two husbands talked on the phone and said, my wife can't go on a girls night out anymore she came home without her panties. The other husband said that's nothing mine came home with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said "From all of us at the Fire Station, you will be missed!"
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Post by mike on Mar 10, 2014 21:48:30 GMT -6
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, ''Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention ... the assembly line for the automobile changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want.'' Ford thinks to himself about it, and says, ''I want to hang out with God Himself.''
The befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, ''When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?'' God asks, ''What do you mean?'' ''Well,'' says Ford, ''You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion. 2. It chatters way too much at high speeds. 3. Maintenance is extremely high. 4. It constantly need repainting, and refinishing. 5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days. 6. The rear end wobbles too much. 7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust. 8. The headlights are usually too small. 9. fuel consumption is outrageous.
...just to name a few.'' ''Hmmm ...,'' replies God, ''Hold on a minute.'' God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, ''It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."
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Post by 06blackmax on Mar 11, 2014 6:02:11 GMT -6
HA! That's great!
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