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Post by mike on Sept 1, 2013 21:52:20 GMT -6
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp
h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
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Post by Weezul on Sept 2, 2013 16:06:11 GMT -6
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper. Heard that one a while ago...still a great joke though! |
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Post by mike on Sept 5, 2013 6:51:06 GMT -6
The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.
The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.
She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
I'm on the toilet. Please advise.
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Post by mike on Sept 5, 2013 10:38:01 GMT -6
September 05 2013
Scientists recently discovered that beer contains small traces of female hormones. This was proven by giving 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that an astonishing percentage, 100%, started talking nonsense and couldn’t drive.
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Post by BEN on Sept 5, 2013 10:56:28 GMT -6
September 05 2013 Scientists recently discovered that beer contains small traces of female hormones. This was proven by giving 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that an astonishing percentage, 100%, started talking nonsense and couldn’t drive. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha |
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Post by 06blackmax on Sept 5, 2013 20:28:42 GMT -6
The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you. The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back: I'm on the toilet. Please advise. This is my parents! So funny! |
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Post by 06blackmax on Nov 4, 2013 13:49:21 GMT -6
I was in Walmart this afternoon and walked up on a lady in the food section who was touching her ears, her chest, and her butt. Over and over she did the same thing. Finally I asked if she was alright. She said politely "yes, I checking my grocery list". I must of had a puzzled look on my face. Cause she did the same thing again, touching her ears, her chest, and her rear and explained that she needed a "head of lettuce, two jugs of milk, and a butt roast"!
Enjoy!
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Post by 06blackmax on Nov 4, 2013 13:53:13 GMT -6
Nature is a mystery.
Have you ever noticed Geese as they fly south for the winter?
There is always one side of the "V" that is longer.
Scientist have now discovered the reason........
There are more Geese on that side!
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Post by davidsyj on Nov 4, 2013 14:03:31 GMT -6
What did one ass cheek say to the other??
Together....we can stop this shit!
Badda Bing! Aye....oh.....
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Post by 06blackmax on Nov 4, 2013 14:11:10 GMT -6
A couple wanted to get married. They had been in the relationship for three plus years and wanted to make it official. They went to their pastor for counseling and he told them that since they have lived together for so long that the only way he would marry them would be to abstain from sex for 90 days. The couple agreed and left.
Well at the end of the 90 days the couple returned to the pastor and he asked if they had made true to there commitment. The couple with a sad look on there face sad that they had made it until yesterday afternoon. Well after a few minuets the pastor said "well if you made it this long I can't very well fault you on that". "But why couldn't you make it one more day?"
The man said "it had been difficult with how attractive his girlfriend is, but the last few days were the worst."
"I was more aroused than usual yesterday and when she bent over to get the mayonnaise, well I couldn't help myself and took her right there on the floor!"
"Well" the pastor said, "after three years living together I can see where 90 days was a long time."
The man said to the pastor "I'm glad you under stand cause we had a hard time explaining it to the manager at Walmart!"
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Post by mike on Dec 11, 2013 20:17:32 GMT -6
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
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Post by 06blackmax on Dec 11, 2013 22:22:40 GMT -6
Oh that's great!!!!
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Post by 06blackmax on Dec 11, 2013 22:42:05 GMT -6
Christmas Joke
Santa appears to three insects stuck to fly paper. He says "since it's Christmas I'll grant each of you one wish.
He looks at the first bug and says...
Cockroach what's your wish? The cockroach says " I want to go home!
"Granted" says Santa, and "poof" the roach disappears.
Next he looks at the next bug on the paper.
"Termite" he says "what's your one wish?"
The termite says "I would like to go home to my family too!"
"Granted" says Santa and "poof" the termite disappears.
Next he turns to the last bug on the paper.
"Spider, what's your one wish?"
Spider thinks for a moment and says, "I don't want do be alone for the holidays can you bring my friends back?"
"Poof" "Poof" "Granted" says Santa and rides off.
Together the roach and the termite look at the spider and say "YOU IDIOT WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???"
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Post by mike on Dec 25, 2013 11:28:02 GMT -6
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' ... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started.....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started...
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp....
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started......
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started...
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started....
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.
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Post by mike on Jan 5, 2014 20:40:42 GMT -6
Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!" Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
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Just remember...we give them back in 10 months 
It's alive!! 
