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Post by mike on Sept 10, 2015 17:45:12 GMT -6
LEARNING TO CUSS A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss". The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass". The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios". WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios"..
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Post by 06blackmax on Nov 5, 2015 8:30:19 GMT -6
Here's a good one!
The economy is so bad I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon Mobile has laid off 25 congressmen.
Angelina Jolie has adopted a child from America.
Motel six won't leave the light on anymore.
A picture is only worth 200 words.
They renamed Wall Street, Wal-Mart street!
Finally I called the suiside hotline. Got a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal they became excited and asked if I could drive a truck!!
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Post by mpdxtreme on Dec 6, 2015 5:11:20 GMT -6
LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK: The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.” Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.” The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.” Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him. Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!” The teacher sat down and cried.
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Post by mpdxtreme on Dec 10, 2015 8:26:01 GMT -6
Just gonna leave this here GG
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Post by mike on Dec 12, 2015 20:35:53 GMT -6
Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a Coke.''Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.' As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way ... ?' 'How long must this go on ... ? This fighting between our nations ... ? This hatred .... ? This animosity ... ? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes .... ?'
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Post by mike on Dec 13, 2015 10:00:46 GMT -6
My wife and I went to the Royal Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! .........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day .You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
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Post by mpdxtreme on Dec 20, 2015 4:23:04 GMT -6
"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “
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Post by N2DEEP on Jan 2, 2016 7:24:23 GMT -6
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?" "Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." ''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?" ...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking." ....I love these touching stories !!!
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Post by mpdxtreme on Jan 28, 2016 0:16:41 GMT -6
On their wedding night, the young bride Approached her new husband and asked For $20.00 for their first lovemaking Encounter. In his highly aroused state, Her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that She needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer was going through a process of corporate Downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find Another position that paid anywhere near what He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued By the bank which was worth over $2 million, And informed him that they Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, These holdings had multiplied and these were the Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when To keep their mouths shut
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!
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Post by mike on Feb 2, 2016 21:01:24 GMT -6
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two bestfriends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'
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Post by mpdxtreme on Feb 23, 2016 18:11:07 GMT -6
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Post by mpdxtreme on Feb 23, 2016 18:13:35 GMT -6
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Post by 06blackmax on Mar 1, 2016 8:21:20 GMT -6
Man was pulled over for speeding. Officer walked up and asked for his license and registration. After a moment he asked, sir your license does not have a last name. It just says "Fred"! Man said "yes and theirs a good reason for that"! By this time the officer was perturbed. He told the man"this had better be good"!
The man started his story. "You see when I was young I wanted to be a doctor." So I studied hard and went to medical school and became Fred Johnson, M.D. The officer said "that's not on your license!" The man said "I know and there's a good reason for that too!" After about five years I got bored and went back to school and became a dentist. So my title was Fred Johnson, M.D., DDS. The officer said "it doesn't say that either". "Yes and there's a good reason for that too". "You see, I got involved with an hygienist in the dental office and contracted something from her. So I became Fred Johnson M.D., DDS, STD!" After that the DMA found out about the relationship and pulled my license. So I became Fred Johnson M.D., STD! Well the AMA found out what the DMA did and pulled my medical license so I was then Fred Johnson STD. Then after all that the STD took my Johnson and now I'm just "Fred"!!
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Post by mpdxtreme on Oct 2, 2016 12:04:18 GMT -6
LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK: The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.” Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.” The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.” Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him. Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!” The teacher sat down and cried.
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