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Post by 06blackmax on Nov 27, 2014 16:34:00 GMT -6
Been telling some of these around the table and getting lots of laughs!!
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Post by mpdxtreme on Nov 29, 2014 10:04:51 GMT -6
A boy asks his dad "why do they say gardeners have green thumbs when their thumbs are not green?" The dad replies "it's just a saying son. It's like when somebody is caught stealing, they say they have been caught "red handed" even though their hands are actually black" Me thinks  GG |
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Post by mpdxtreme on Nov 29, 2014 10:06:32 GMT -6
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Post by mike on Dec 2, 2014 20:51:24 GMT -6
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.
Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.
The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.
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Post by mike on Dec 4, 2014 16:34:45 GMT -6
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..I just lost it.
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
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Post by 06blackmax on Dec 5, 2014 0:03:40 GMT -6
Oh that's great!!  |
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Post by mike on Dec 5, 2014 16:56:25 GMT -6
 I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!" "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting." |
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Post by grizzlyadams on Dec 6, 2014 7:20:22 GMT -6
Awesome!!!
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Post by 06blackmax on Dec 17, 2014 7:02:58 GMT -6
Man and woman flying in a small plane when the planes engine started to loose power. The wife looked at her husband with fear in her eye and asked "How far do you think we can go?"
His reply:
"All the way to the scene of the crash!"
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Post by mike on Jan 1, 2015 8:56:08 GMT -6
Lipstick at School
According to a news report, a certain private school in
Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A
number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick
and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they
would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of
little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the
next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the
principal decided that something had to be done. She called
all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints
were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to
clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the
mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls
how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled
squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror
with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the
mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators...
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Post by mpdxtreme on Jan 7, 2015 18:24:31 GMT -6
 Daily funny. GG |
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Post by ODG010III0 on Jan 7, 2015 20:06:01 GMT -6
Lol, oh yea.
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Post by davidsyj on Jan 8, 2015 5:38:11 GMT -6
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Post by ODG010III0 on Jan 8, 2015 8:00:03 GMT -6
Wait, wait, wait, NO, I'm more of the wisper I'm my ear kinda guy. |
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Post by 06blackmax on Jan 8, 2015 8:14:49 GMT -6
Ummm.........that's not for your ear!!!! |
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Just remember...we give them back in 10 months 
Aug 15, 2015 10:21:43 GMT -6
Just remember...we give them back in 10 months 
Aug 15, 2015 10:21:43 GMT -6
It's alive!! 
