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Post by 06blackmax on Jun 29, 2013 22:32:56 GMT -6
This is just something funny that was sent to me. Hope y'all enjoy.
If you have something funny to add, post it and well make a joke thread. ( if that's ok with everybody )
*
Redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game warden as he started to pull his boat away from the lake. "May I see your fishing license, please?" "Naw sir" said the redneck. "I don't need none of them papers. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!?"
"Yep, once a week I bring 'em down and let'em swim around for a little while, then when I whistle they swim back into my net and I take them home."
"What a line of baloney....Your under arrest!"
The redneck said " it's the truth Mr. gov'ment man, we do this all the time. Watch I'll show you."
"We do, do we?" Said the warden "Prove it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood there and waited.
After a few minuets the warden said "well?"
"We'll what?" Said the redneck.
"When you going to call them back?" Said the warden
"Who?" Said the redneck.
"The fish", said the warden.
"What fish?" Said the redneck.
Moral of the story is, we may not be as smart as some city slickers,
but we ain't as dumb as some government men!
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Post by mike on Jun 29, 2013 23:31:57 GMT -6
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Post by SW86 on Jun 30, 2013 0:00:17 GMT -6
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Post by 06blackmax on Jul 3, 2013 23:47:35 GMT -6
Here's another one for ya!!
*
"How the fight started"
Ever have one of those days?
I was going to work one day when a traffic light changed to quickly and the car in front of me stopped quicker than I did. You know those times when you can be mad and the least little thing will make you laugh out loud? The door on the car I hit opened, expecting a giant of a man to get out I was nervous. When all of a sudden out steps a dwarf! He walks back toy car and I roll down the window. He looks up at me a says in an angry voice "I am not happy!"
So with the straightest face I could I said in reply. "We'll which of the other six are you?"
That's how the fight started!!!
Enjoy!!
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Post by JustinL (McLovins) on Jul 4, 2013 9:14:13 GMT -6
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Post by mike on Jul 7, 2013 15:02:52 GMT -6
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
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Post by 06blackmax on Jul 8, 2013 18:53:15 GMT -6
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Post by mike on Jul 8, 2013 23:33:41 GMT -6
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."
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Post by N2DEEP on Jul 8, 2013 23:52:20 GMT -6
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles." Mike, I just read this to the wife. She now wants a tickle me elmo with two "test tickles." I hope you accept this challenge and don't let her down. |
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Post by mike on Jul 9, 2013 6:08:57 GMT -6
I'll tickle her all she wants  |
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Post by brizz on Jul 9, 2013 9:09:41 GMT -6
A Mom visits her son for dinner who
lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his
mother couldn't help but notice how
pretty his roommate was.
She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while
watching the two interact, she started
to
wonder if there was more between him
and his
roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son
volunteered, “I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you,we are
just roommates."
About a week later, his roommate
came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to
dinner, I've been unable to find the
silver plate. You don't suppose she
took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email
her, just to be sure."
He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the
silver plate from my house, I'm not
saying that
you ‘did not' take the silver plate But
the fact remains that it has been
missing ever since you were here for
dinner.
Love,
your son.
Several days later, he received an email
from his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with
your roommate, and I'm not saying
that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But
the fact remains that if she was
sleeping in her OWN bed, she would
have found the silver plate by now,
under the pillow…
Love, Mom. ?
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Post by 06blackmax on Jul 9, 2013 11:15:58 GMT -6
That's funny!!
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Post by 06blackmax on Jul 9, 2013 11:26:46 GMT -6
An older couple was sitting at McDonalds for lunch one afternoon. On the table in front of them was one happy meal it was open in front of the man and he was slowly eating his lunch. Across from him sat his wife with her feeble hands folded quietly in her lap. A man sitting across the way noticed the couple and how the man was eating and not the wife. He watched for a while and soon felt sorry for the couple. Thinking maybe they were not very well off, or maybe on a fixed income. He quietly finished his lunch and walked over to the older couple and sofly asked if he could buy the lady lunch. She respectfully declined. Again the man insisted that it was no trouble and that he would be happy to help buy her something to eat if she needed. Again she declined. The man reached in his pocket and took out a $20 bill and said that she could get anything she wanted. It was then That the lady explained the it was not the money that was the problem, instead she was waiting for her turn to use the teeth! Have a good day! |
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Post by mike on Jul 9, 2013 15:36:53 GMT -6
As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…
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Post by mike on Jul 10, 2013 15:33:35 GMT -6
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Just remember...we give them back in 10 months 
It's alive!! 
