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Post by brizz on Jul 19, 2013 9:19:23 GMT -6
YOU KNOW YOU OWN A REAL JEEP ....
If you go to get the Sunday paper and come back on Monday without it
If you use a hose to clean the inside and the outside
If you own it outright
When the best route from A to B is through the mud, rockpile or over the mountain (or all of the above)
When a scratch or a dent is a beauty mark
You roll it over and don't get upset
Your mom and sister can't get in it without help
You judge every hill you see by how much fun it would be to climb
You search for trails in a helicopter
You puke when you see a Freelander
When you know what the wave is and you're not afraid to use it
You get custom pin-striping from trail brush
When a low-rider Suzuki pulls up next to you and you get out and bitch-slap the driver
If it takes more than 6 hours to get donuts
When you pull into the unplowed parking spots on snowy days
When you take your friends wheeling and they say "What trail –I don't see a trail!"
When you've been forced to add SYE, TJ, deathwobble to your spell-checker
Your friends won't ride with you 'cause they don't want to wind up in the forest in the middle of the night
When your boss's secretary calls to "recommend" that you wash your Jeep
When you finally wash the mud off, everyone thinks you bought a new one
When you can see OVER a Discovery
You carry emergency supplies and clothing because you never know where you will end up
When your skid plates battle rocks and win
When it rains and you don't care that your tops and doors are off
When you drive around to look at Christmas lights topless
When you change your plugs in the parking lot at work on a break
If your "Parts Dept." is on blocks behind your house
When you take your Mom wheeling and she has to help you flip the Jeep back onto its wheels again
You use an ice-scraper on the INSIDE of the windshield
You get more heat from holes in the floorboards than through the heater vents
Passengers scream "DON'T ROLL IT!" when you take them wheeling
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Post by Somebody on Jul 19, 2013 11:57:35 GMT -6
YOU KNOW YOU OWN A REAL JEEP .... If you go to get the Sunday paper and come back on Monday without it If you use a hose to clean the inside and the outside
If you own it outrightWhen the best route from A to B is through the mud, rockpile or over the mountain (or all of the above) When a scratch or a dent is a beauty mark
You roll it over and don't get upset
Your mom and sister can't get in it without help You judge every hill you see by how much fun it would be to climb
You search for trails in a helicopter You puke when you see a Freelander When you know what the wave is and you're not afraid to use itYou get custom pin-striping from trail brush When a low-rider Suzuki pulls up next to you and you get out and bitch-slap the driver If it takes more than 6 hours to get donuts When you pull into the unplowed parking spots on snowy daysWhen you take your friends wheeling and they say "What trail –I don't see a trail!" When you've been forced to add SYE, TJ, deathwobble to your spell-checker
Your friends won't ride with you 'cause they don't want to wind up in the forest in the middle of the night When your boss's secretary calls to "recommend" that you wash your Jeep When you finally wash the mud off, everyone thinks you bought a new one When you can see OVER a Discovery
You carry emergency supplies and clothing because you never know where you will end up When your skid plates battle rocks and win
When it rains and you don't care that your tops and doors are off
When you drive around to look at Christmas lights toplessWhen you change your plugs in the parking lot at work on a break If your "Parts Dept." is on blocks behind your house When you take your Mom wheeling and she has to help you flip the Jeep back onto its wheels again You use an ice-scraper on the INSIDE of the windshield You get more heat from holes in the floorboards than through the heater vents
Passengers scream "DON'T ROLL IT!" when you take them wheelingYep!!!  |
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Post by mike on Jul 21, 2013 6:17:31 GMT -6
A guy was driving along a country road and noticed a farmer standing in the middle of his field in the pouring rain. He thought he might be in trouble so he stopped his car and went over and asked if he was okay. The farmer said, "Oh yeah, I'm fine. I'm just trying to win a Nobel prize." The other guy was really confused. "How exactly?" he asked the farmer. The farmer answers, "I heard they give it to people who are outstanding in their field."
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Post by JustinL (McLovins) on Jul 21, 2013 6:42:29 GMT -6
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Post by mike on Aug 6, 2013 15:28:28 GMT -6
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. .
The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this...when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it!
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Post by mike on Aug 6, 2013 15:32:42 GMT -6
As an old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Fred, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 94. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Fred, "It's hundreds of them!!"
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Post by 06blackmax on Aug 6, 2013 17:40:52 GMT -6
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?........
Full!
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Post by mike on Aug 9, 2013 17:49:12 GMT -6
Had to put this here !!
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. No NO you really do have too many shoes.
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that? It's like camping...
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Post by 06blackmax on Aug 9, 2013 20:19:02 GMT -6
That was AWESOME!!!!!!
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Post by grizzlyadams on Aug 9, 2013 20:25:34 GMT -6
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Post by brizz on Aug 12, 2013 9:50:30 GMT -6
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. . The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this...when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it!  |
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Post by 06blackmax on Aug 12, 2013 18:47:59 GMT -6
Mikes story is so popular it gets posted twice!! |
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Post by mike on Aug 13, 2013 6:39:59 GMT -6
Ok, so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
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Post by mike on Aug 13, 2013 6:41:17 GMT -6
As you know, Gandhi was a spiritual man. He also went on many hunger strikes, which left him weak and gave him bad breath. He usually walked without shoes, leaving his feet quite rough. Or, to put it another way, he was a super-calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis
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Post by mike on Aug 14, 2013 16:25:47 GMT -6
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the
podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband,
Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely
crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if
they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in
the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have
experienced. "Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went
on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the
doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were
able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and
wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the
congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the
horrible surgery performed on Phil. "Now," she announced in a
quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the
doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and
tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I
just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
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Just remember...we give them back in 10 months 
It's alive!! 
